the truth

Well, the time has come to explain what has happened to me in the last 2 weeks. Well, the last 2 years really. I wanted my blog to try and tell the real truth about what has been going on in our lives without unloading too much personal stuff, but also not acting like our lives are perfect and you should all want to be us. So since my life has changed dramatically in the last 2 weeks, it would be best to explain why. Josh and I are getting a divorce. Many say it was a long time coming, and I guess now I can see that too, I just really wanted things to work out with us. I felt like I had the fairytale life. High school sweethearts, waited for Josh while he went on a mission, married in the temple, bought a home, found out we were pregnant. It was when I was about 3 months pregnant that this idea I had of our lives came crashing down. Josh and I became very distant, and I found out he had been having an affair with a coworker. We had considered divorce then quite a bit. Josh could not decide if he wanted to stay with his pregnant wife, or continue his relationship with this *insert bad word here* he had been cheating with and claimed he loved. I felt it was at that point that I really lost who I was. I had lost Josh too. I couldn't understand how he could do this to me, especially after he knew I was pregnant. This girl and I are also complete opposites. She is on her second marriage, 2 children from different fathers, enjoys getting drunk, and is a smoker. I still don't get it. I started to question everything I had ever believed in. Marriage, the church, myself, everything I had such a strong testimony in became something I no longer felt was important. Josh moved out for about a month and then we decided to try and make things work between the two of us. I honestly felt like things got much better. We decided to move to get a fresh start. We thought a new ward would help us get back to church. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. To my huge surprise Josh came to me and said he was really unhappy, and did not think he could be happy with me for the rest of his life. This was a huge shock to me. I had been depressed about my job and still had insecurities about the previous affair because he still worked with her everyday, but I did not feel like our lives were headed down this road again. Josh moved out saying he was very confused about what he wanted, but assured me over and over he had not been cheating again, and that he hadn't even talked to her. I believed this until I found an email he sent about 3 days after moving out to this same girl talking about how they were going to afford bills, ideas on how he wanted to remodel her house, how he wanted to be able to take care of her and her kids, that he couldn't stop thinking about her, and that he just wanted to "wrap her in his arms". I couldn't breathe for about 5 min. I confronted him and he said he had never stopped loving her. He also later admitted he had spent the night at her house after moving out. Once again, my world came crashing down. I knew this time we would be getting a divorce. At this point I have no idea what will happen. For some reason, Josh has become so hateful towards me, and I don't know why. I am working on my feelings towards him. I want to hate him, and I at least have a good reason, but I was with him for 8 years and I still care about him. He is the father to Payton, and a good one, so he will always be in my life. I'm so hurt by his actions and don't understand how anybody could cheat on the one they stood next to in the temple. I have a huge support system in my family and friends. I would not be doing as well as I am today if I didn't. I am so thankful for them who stood by my side during this whole disaster. I'm sure Josh and some of his family members are going to be furious that I have put all this on here, but I am just telling what has happened, and not my personal opinions about Josh or his girlfriend. I don't feel I need to protect Josh and what he has done to our family. He blames me for the ending of our marriage, and I know there are 2 sides to every story, but I have just given the facts.

For now I am just trying to be the best mom to Payton as well as working on myself. I have been through a lot at the age of 23. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and trying to get past all the hurt. At this point I just want to look forward.

I'm still going to blog here about what is going on with Payton and I. I have lots of fun plans for the upcoming summer. This is a new chapter of our lives we are still adjusting to it, but I am excited for what the future holds for us.

Tile back splash....check

We really like projects. Well, at least I really do. I think Josh does, or at least he just lets me start them. We have had a lot of fun with this house. It needed a lot of work when we moved in. (that's what you get with a foreclosure, along with an amazing deal) At our last house we felt we had done a lot. Painting small upgrades to fixtures and things like that. We did completely gut the master bath, but my dad really did most of that. When we bought this house there were lots of things we needed to change, so we decided to go big (and when I say "big", I mean credit card debt) and do the things we really wanted, not just cheap. We love doing the projects ourselves, and frankly, we couldn't afford to hire them out. We have learned how to do so many things too. In our new house we have painted just about every wall, changed out almost all the fixtures, re-did the basement, and the biggest one was laying over 700sq feet of hardwood floors. Whew! It was exhausting. i had a list of all the things I wanted to get done to the house after the move, and almost a year later, we have finished the last project on that list. Tiling the back splash. Josh and I have never tiled before. We decided that the back splash would be a great start, and I am pretty dang excited with how it turned out. I am so ready to start making a new list of projects, and you can bet that tiling something will be on it.

Our guest bathroom better watch out. It is totally next.

this girl with the messy hair*....

is very sick. A few days ago she just had a stuffy nose, which we could handle. Today, she is acting like she just can't go on. The poor thing spent most of the day like this:


cuddled in a blanket, on her daddy's lap, eyes half-closed, and brownie on her face. (she was not about to let me wipe that off. After 3 days of wiping her nose, there was no way I was gonna get close to that brownie) I am really hoping she is doing better tomorrow. I just feel so bad for her when she is sick.

*on a side note, her hair doesn't always look like this. I was just looking through my pictures noticing there was a lack of pictures with her hair actually done, if any at all. I actually had it cut a few weeks ago, so when I style it (which sometimes causes tears from both parties involved) it looks way cute. Just thought I should explain why in most of the pictures on this blog, she looks like a homeless child. I love her to pieces anyway :)

Boardin' with the Boys

For a well needed break from life (mostly work, it is really stupid right now) we headed to Wolfe Mountain for some snow boarding. I haven't been since middle school, so I expected to be a little rusty. I got back into my old groove pretty quick, or so I thought. I am sure paying for it today. I am so stinking sore. I can barely walk, and for some reason, my arms are killing me. Really? Why are my arms killing me. I don't remember using my arms that rigorously for snowboarding, but apparently I did, or maybe because the rest of my body is in pain my arms felt left out. I don't know. We had a big group going, but most dropped out so we ended up with Cody, Jeff, and Josh and I. So fun, and something I would love do be able to do often so I can practice, but certainly not anytime soon. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find the heating pad.

Big Changes!

And no, I'm not pregnant. (It is seriously insane how many people ask me that. My baby just turned 1, and I am only 23. yeesh!)

So here is the reason we have been so busy. We have been working on our basement getting things ready for my sis to move in. The basement was finished when we moved, but like the rest of the house it was kinda a mess. So we used our DIY skills (and a lot of help from my dad) and made it look great.

One of the 2 bedrooms

Full Bath

Family Room

This originally was a 1/2 bath, but we turned it into a laundry room

Kitchen-we are waiting for the island counter top because it had to be special ordered.

It is so nice to know that the basement is just done, and that it can be nice for Nicki. We are certainly excited for the extra money, and she gets to save some as well. Win-win for everybody! She moved in last weekend and things seem to be going great so far. She has her own separate entrance so everybody gets to have their privacy, and the cousins get to play!

Birthday Celebration!

What a crazy night! We started with dinner at our house with my family to celebrate my Dad and Payton's birthday. Yum! Josh's family joined us later for cake and ice cream. Payton was a little unsure about the cake at first. (I think she thought it was too pretty to mess up) She got the idea after awhile, then just sat happily in her chair munching on it. We were so happy for everybody who came. It was great seeing everybody! Payton got lots of great gifts I think she was pretty happy about too. The night was a lot of work (especially making that cake) but totally worth it! Happy Birthday dad and Baby Girl!

Guess what today is?

It's this girls first birthday

And I am so stinking excited. My mom and I spent all day making a phenomenal cake for her party tonight. Yup, phenomenal. I can't believe she is already one. Aside from the whole being pregnant thing (cuz for some reason that part feels forever ago) I still feel like she is my new baby. If the rest of my years with her will be half as good as this one, I will be one happy mama. Happy Birthday and love you Payton.