Goals

So lately I have been trying to focus on things that I can control rather than things (or people) that I can't. When I get an idea, I have started entering in my phone things I would like to work on or accomplish. I'm going to share this list with you so you can make sure I am doing it. :)

1. Exercise-and really do it, not just talk about doing it

2. Be a better friend

3. Practice the violin and piano to play in a symphony again

4. Don't be "that house" on my street with all the weeds and overgrown yard

5. Focus on the positive

6. Get a pedicure every 6 weeks

7. Be more outgoing and try to meet new people

8. Run my own decorative cake business*

9. Keep my house clean

10. Work 35 hours a week

Here is 10 to start me off. Some are defiantly easier than others, like the pedicure. The hardest one on there for me is totally going to be meeting new people since I am unnaturally shy. I'm trying really hard to work on myself so that I can be the best example for Payton. Obviously some of these things are going to take years, like he cake business and perhaps keeping my house clean, but I have all the time in the world. It is really crazy (and scary) not knowing what the future holds for me and Payton. Perhaps a little exciting.......

* Remember this?

I had toyed with photography before my camera got hijacked, (and yes folks, I WILL be getting that back one day) but I had so much fun with cake decorating that I would like to try my hand at this. I need your help though. I need practice, and lots of it. I don't even want to expose my thighs to the possibility of cakes piling up in my kitchen, so for $25 or less I would like to make a cake for your celebration. I am charging only for supplies (hence the "less" part) because I am not a professional. I really would just like the practice and to start a portfolio of samples. So for your next birthday, baby shower, anniversary, graduation, holiday, a Wednesday, but no weddings, (I'm not confident enough for that...yet) give me a call or send me an email and we can work something out. Dani (801) 856-4452 danielled17@yahoo.com

Update

I'm feeling unmotivated about my blog for no good reason. I think it is the whole private thing. I dunno. As most of you know I spent last weekend in the hospital having surgery. I have been having stomach pains for quite awhile, and the past few months it has gotten pretty bad. I assumed it was stress related and would eventually go away as soon as my life calmed down, but I decided to get it checked out anyway. I went to my doctor and a CT scan later I was told he was referring me to a surgeon to have things checked out because he was concerned about my liver. Also, if I had the pain again it would be wise to head to the ER. Awesome. The next day I headed to the ER. Another set of tests later, a new doctor told me I have gallstones and I would need surgery to have my gallbladder removed. My response? Of course I do. This is just the kind of thing I need right now. I tried to keep in good spirits, hey some more time off work isn't too shabby right? Two surgeries later (apparently there was a gallstone lodged in some sort of valve that required a second surgery) and I was recovering in the hospital for the night, then sent home the next day.

I'm feeling pretty good now. I'm back to doing my normal routine. I guess this was a blessing in disguise that this happened now while I am still covered by Josh's amazing insurance. Payton was a rock star during the whole thing too. She had no problem spending a few nights at my parents. I'm so grateful she is such a happy little thing.

In other news, Josh was finally served with divorce papers. This has brought a whole new wave of emotions for me. I knew this was coming, I filed a month ago. It has started to really sink in that this is actually happening and the life I thought I would have is no more. He needs to make the next move now. He now knows what I want and expect out of the unfortunate divorce.

Hopefully things will just kinda move forward now and I can figure out what my new "normal" is going to be. Thanks again for all of your support during this crazy time. Love you all!!

Easter Dress

I love this girl, and she is loving the recent warm weather. (however as I write this, it is snowing outside. whatever) These are the only pictures I got from Easter because my Nikon is being held hostage. It doesn't matter though, cuz I think she is the cutest thing anyway.

Private

As most of you can see from the comments on the last post, Josh's family views what happened quite differently than I do. I think it is one thing to post your opinion on your own blog, but to start harassing somebody by making annonomys comments on their blog, well that is just sad. Luckily I have a pretty good idea of who it was. I have no idea at what point they all turned on me. A few weeks ago they were all telling me how horrible this all was that this was happening and that I deserved so much better than their son and brother. Who knows, and at this point, I really don't care.

Thanks for everybodys support. That's what has helped me so much. Regardless of what Josh's family thinks my marriage was like, it only took a few times meeing Josh and I to see who the problem was. They used to believe that too.

So...

Due to recent biased and untrue remarks made by someone who thinks they know everything and has all the right answers, I am going to have to do something I never wanted to and make my blog private. I am learning there are less and less people I can trust to have access to where I can write my thoughts and opinions. If you read my blog, please leave your email address as a comment, or send me a message with it on facebook. I plan on going pivate this Wednesday Friday.

I've got to laugh about it though, cuz I should have realized that this was going to happen sooner or later.

Anyway on the bright side, when my blog goes private, the gloves really come off, cuz I can react to Josh however I want to.

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them

I don't know what my problem is lately. I felt like I was doing really great considering my situation, but for some reason these past few days I have felt like bursting into tears at any minute. I filed for divorce this week which was such a bittersweet thing. I know that it was the next step in moving on, but it just doesn't seem real. I kinda feel like I'm having a horrible dream. Josh is going to be furious when he gets served because our idea of what is "fair" is completely different. Poor Payton has been sick with a cold for what seems like forever. Tonight while I was trying to get some sleep before work she was coughing so hard she threw up all over in her crib. Poor thing. She is such a trooper though and luckily being sick doesn't affect her mood. Which reminds me that I came back to work about a week ago after a leave of absence, and adjusting to my horrible schedule is getting the best of me. Working 1am-7am four days a week is tough, but thankfully that will change in June. Although I don't know how much better 9pm to 530am is. I'm thinking my lack of sleep has had some contribution to my thoughts. Also, Josh has told me things that he has been doing that I would probably be better off not knowing (like inviting her to dinner with his family and their welcome of her with open arms), and I think that is what got me into this funk. My family (especially mom) has helped me out a ton. I'm so glad Payton is as young as she is. Thankfully she isn't old enough to understand what is going on and the bad choices her dad continues to make. Anyway, I don't mean to sound whiny and just complain. I do have a lot of things I am happy about. The things in my previous post for example, and this has really given me a chance to step back and see how my relationship with Josh really was. My mom told me the quote on the title of this post the other day by Maya Angelou "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." I just wish I would have believed him two years ago when he showed me who he was.

5 things

5 things I can smile about

1. Payton

2. Support of friends and family

3. Cutting myself some bangs

4. warmer weather

5. Karma